When the time comes for tricky, controversial and emotional conversations, competent people find a way to ensure that all the relevant information (for themselves and the others) circulates freely. The authors could have created some Dan Brown style suspense by only revealing the fundamental idea of this book right at the end. Chapter 2: Mastering crucial conversations – the power of dialogue. ![]() We are our worst enemies – and we don’t even realize it.įortunately, there are effective techniques for learning how to master these crucial and important conversations. With a yo-yoing state of mind, the strategies we choose to manage our crucial conversations are perfectly designed to prevent us from achieving our goals. We behave in a way that leads to failure.This means that we must first understand what to practice. And even though we often have crucial conversations, this does not mean that we will succeed more often, because practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect: perfect practice makes perfect. And we have to work everything out ourselves, as we don’t often see examples of effective communication skills that really work. The truth is that we multitask in real time using a brain that is busy doing something else. What are we dealing with? On one hand there is a problem, on the other hand there is the other person, and stuck in the middle is our brain, preparing for fight or flight. Therefore, as we are taken by surprise, we are forced to conduct an extraordinarily complicated human interaction in real time – no books, no coaching, and certainly no small breaks to take a step back and regroup. Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. Countless generations have shaped human DNA to manage critical conversations with punches and kicks, not with smart persuasion and careful attention. This is because emotions do not really prepare us to converse effectively. When conversations move from routine to a crucial stage, we often encounter problems. But in reality, there are many factors preventing us from managing them well: Seen through this lens it seems simple: we all want to better manage our crucial conversations. And we deal with them and manage them well.We deal with them but manage them poorly.Typically we handle these conversations in one of these three ways: We use all kinds of techniques to dodge these situations. One of the authors’ friends received a voice message from his wife announcing her intention to divorce him. Family members change the subject when it becomes too tricky. Bosses leave voice messages instead of having meetings with their direct subordinates. Colleagues send e-mails when they should really go to the hallway and speak frankly. And unfortunately, it is human nature to turn our backs on discussions that we are afraid will hurt us or make things worse. By definition, crucial conversations are about difficult problems. ![]() What makes each of these conversations crucial is that the result can have a very important impact on our quality of life. According to your spouse, you not only flirted with someone, but “you almost kissed.” You don’t remember flirting you were just trying to be polite and friendly. You are in the middle of a normal conversation with your spouse, when she tells you about “something bad” that took place at the neighbour’s party yesterday. You need to do something different or your company will not achieve its annual goals. You are at a meeting with four colleagues and you are trying to define a marketing strategy. He thinks you’re not ready, you think you are. For example, you talk to your boss about your possible promotion. ![]()
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